I'll Be Alright
by Radiorox
Summary: What happened to cause Harm and Mac to split up? My take on how they may have grown apart to lead to their separation.
1. Prologue

Okay so... NCIS: LA pissed me off... REALLY pissed me off.

Did I think that Harm and Mac would last? Honestly? Nope. They are both two screwed up people with major relationship issues. I don't think they would be happy with anyone. In a way, their career is the only relationship that works which leaves little room for much else.

I often wrestle with whether or not they SHOULD be together, the whole soulmate thing. Are they? Aren't they? Who knows?

So after the fracas that was NCIS: LA and hearing Mac say they fizzled out, I wondered the how and why? She didn't sound like she was upset with him. I get that 9 years without seeing each other is a long time but, trust me, if they split in bad terms she would not have been ok with it.

They would have been upset with each other and it would have shown.

So here is my take on how it happened. Yes, I have other things to work on but, at the moment my brain can't hash out anything romantic with them nor do I want to work on the other stories.

Will that change? Perhaps. Maybe soon but, not today.

The title comes from a song from Per Gessle from Roxette of the same name.

"If you ever leave me

If you ever let me down

If you ever tell me

You don't want my love around

I'll be alright

You gave me the best years of my life

And a girl like you is very hard to find

So everything will be alright

People change, I know it

It's a most natural thing

And if you want to show it

You don't owe me anything

I'll be alright

I had the moments of my life

All I need is a little time to cry

Then everything will be alright

Take it easy, baby

I wouldn't change a thing (anything about it)

After all, honey

I don't regret anything

I'll be alright

You gave me the finest things in life

And a love like that is very hard to find

So everything will be alright

You gave me the best years of my life

A love like that is very hard to find

So everything will be alright."

"I'll be Alright" by: Per Gessle.

**Prologue:**

Mac awoke to a warm body pressed up against her and a warm breath against her neck. It startled her at first especially considering it had been over a year since she'd last been with a man. Then she remembered going to Harm's apartment, him kissing her so passionately. His proposal and the rush of hurrying home to dress for his wetting down at McMurphy's.

They had told their friends about their impending nuptials and decided to let fate decide their future with the form of a coin toss. She had hesitated when Harm had suggested it; she rarely won those and it was the absolute craziest way to decide a future. Nevertheless, they had agreed, shook on it in fact and let fate figure the rest out. And this time, she won.

Harm had taken defeat graciously, even when she had suggested they try it best out of three. He shook his head and kissed her in front of their friends. He was happy and Mac wondered why their whirlwind romance hadn't clicked in until now.

The General had told Harm they would speak about his future in the morning as he had an alternative to a resignation that would work with Mac's billet.

She felt him press a kiss to her shoulder, her neck and the hand that rested across her abdomen began to dip lower and Mac opened up for him, arching her back against his chest as he touched her intimately.

Their lovemaking had been explosive, a product of a pent up sexual tension that stretched out for nine years. Despite never knowing each other as lovers, it was like he had some sort of instruction manual on how to set her on fire. She actually begged him to stop, to let her catch her breath only to turn the tables on him. It had been wonderful and Mac realized she'd never been completely sated until him. "You're going to be the death of me, flyboy."

Harm chuckled at her admission and after his successful assault on her body, he turned her so that he could look in Mac's eyes. She didn't have to head to San Diego for a few days of which he was thankful for. Had he won, the billet in London needed to be filled immediately and they would have never had this moment. He wouldn't have been able to make long, languorous love to her. "You're so beautiful." And she was but, even more so with the sweat on her body, the flush to her skin and the knowledge that he'd pleasured her.

With a start, Harm rolled away from her for a moment and reached down for his pants, searching the pockets for something. The act had Mac on alert and she came to her elbows, trying to gauge what he was doing. After a few seconds he held something out to her, a simple diamond ring and Mac felt her breath catch again. This was real, really real and he did intend on marrying her. She couldn't help the tears that came when he slid the ring home and pressed a kiss over her ring finger. "I've had this for a while…Over three years if I remember correctly."

"Three years?" She was surprised to hear that and felt a crushing squeeze over her heart. The last two years had been something of a disaster with more wasted opportunities and a case of PTSD where she had lost herself in someone else. She never stopped loving him, Mac was sure she never could but, it seemed so futile and lost.

Harm nodded. "Since we came back from Afghanistan… after what happened to Bud." He said quietly, it was clearly still an event that bothered him. Being so close to losing a friend like that had sobered him, made him realize what was important in his life. It didn't help that they had almost died in the desert or that he had played tag with a nuke. For all their bravado, they had nearly lost each other so many times he lost count. Harm had been determined to stop that, to end their push and pull at all costs and then… "Things just kept getting in the way, I guess… It was never the right time. Then I was in the brig...and then..."

"Paraguay...I'm sorry." Her apology sounded lame even to her. Those words just couldn't heal her mistakes or right the words she had told him. Mac only hoped that they could move forward from it and start a life without so much angst and hurt. "Harm, are you going to resent me once realization hits?"

"No. I've been considering leaving JAG since I returned." He admitted and sighed. "I probably should have stayed with the CIA but, I came back for you." The look of shock in her eyes made him grin, he had surprised Sarah MacKenzie so many times in just a few hours and would continue to do so. He raised up her finger, taking a look at how the ring glinted in the light of her bedside lamp. "This was mom's ring and my grandmother's before it… I think she knew before I did that you were the one."

"I love you, fell for you right off the bat." She blushed at her admission and then sighed happily when Harm leaned in and kissed her.

"I love you, too."


	2. Year 1

YEAR 1 -

Mac had headed to San Diego first and stayed at a VOQ until they were able to find a house that suited theirs and Mattie's needs. The girl was in a wheelchair and needed a degree of constant care which is why it was sensible to find something to make into their own. Harm remained in Washington, making sure that Mattie was ready for the move and finding someone to buy his apartment. It was bittersweet to leave his place that held so many memories.

He had run his fingers over the bar, remembering countless dinners with Mac where they were strategizing over cases. He recalled the bad times as well, how, on a rainy day his biggest enemy held him captive in his own home. In the living room, where the sofa once was, there was a scuff mark, one that he could never sand off or varnish completely which is why his furniture was always there.

At one point, it seemed like the loft would never be liveable and through the years he made it a home. Closing that chapter of his life was hard but, he would manage. People in the military weren't supposed to stick around as long as he and Mac had. Besides his life at JAG, he'd always been constantly on the move. Perhaps that is why he felt the need to return to squadron five years prior?

The General had helped secure him a position in the reserves out of San Diego which gave Harm ample flying time.

Eventually, he and Mac had found an older home, a fixer upper that cost entirely too much but, Harm's parents had helped paid for as an early wedding present for the future newlyweds. The place had character, a two floor old victorian with a wrap around porch and more dry rot than good wood. Mac would have prefered something newer with less upkeep but, Harm had assured her that he was up to the task. It would keep him busy as he slid into the roll of Mattie's primary caretaker and switched to reserve duty.

One afternoon Mac had arrived home from work early as she made her way through the home, she stopped at the kitchen window and stared out to find Harm swimming in the pool with Mattie. Water therapy had been helping her rehab, getting her limbs functioning again and Mac was sure the girl would walk soon. She smiled at the two realizing that, in a roundabout way, Harm had kept his promise about them having kids. It was certainly unconventional but, their little family worked.

And then, nearly five months into her new position, it happened. Mac was pregnant.

It wasn't planned for, in fact, Harm never knew how to broach the subject with her since the time she'd shut him down over a year ago. Their relationship, although still new, was good and solid and he feared rocking the boat. And then she sprang it on him, placing a little white stick with two blue lines in his palm. She was pregnant with his child and a feeling of elation that he couldn't believe was possible came over him. Harm found himself constantly pressing his hand to her abdomen, curious of how the life within would grow.

Mac had reduced her hours at work, choosing to bring some of it home with her in order to stay off her feet as much as possible while she made it through the delicate first trimester. Within time, it was discovered that she was carrying a girl one that Mattie had named Grace. It seemed as if their family was complete as it had been a blessing that she conceived at all.

It was startling when the second trimester began and Mac began to see her stomach growing more. She had begun to feel the flutters in her belly and pressed Harm's hand against her stomach one evening when their baby girl had been entirely too active. His eyes glistened over and he leaned in to place a kiss on her belly and cooed at their unborn child.

One rainy Sunday afternoon, three weeks into the second trimester an odd pain began. Mac brushed it off at first when it came and went without incident as she got out of bed. But, when she stepped into the shower the pain began again, excruciating, making her double over and cry out for Harm. Then came the blood that ran down her legs and the unmistakable notion that she was miscarrying. Although the ambulance had raced Mac to the hospital, baby Grace was gone.

Preterm labor was the medical jargon that the doctor's had used. Mac's OBGYN had surmised that it had been a direct result of her endometriosis which had been much more severe than originally diagnosed. "I'm sorry, Harm… I'm so sorry."

"This isn't your fault." He had told her while he dealt with an extreme feeling of guilt. This had been his fault for waiting so long, for failing her. Why 5 years? Why not 1 or 2? He promised her to have a child and now he knew, with certainty, they never would.

Harm wasn't the type to cry, even in the direst of circumstances he was built for strength and tears just didn't come naturally to him. As the nurses settled Mac in for the night, he found himself in the hospital chapel alone and wrestling with emotions that he had kept in check for her. He cried then, sobbed for the life that they had lost and the woman he knew would lose a piece of herself as well.

When she came home, Harm had comforted her, cared for her, held her while she cried herself to sleep. He suggested they try again more for her sake than his. Truth be told, he didn't want to go through this again, he couldn't. Harm didn't have the strength and Mac knew with a degree of certainty that her body couldn't handle it. They made a silent agreement never to try again.

The next few months had been tense in their home and Mac found that the only way to deal with the thoughts running through her mind was work. She had thrown herself into it headstrong and relentlessly, spending entirely too much time at the office which left her too exhausted to care about much else, including Mattie and Harm. It was a form of depression, she knew but, refused to seek medical care.

Physical intimacy between the two of them became nonexistent. "You've been ignoring me…" Harm said one night, as she sat across from him shuffling food from one side of the plate to another. She'd barely been eating much and he could see her body becoming thinner. "I can deal with it. But, none of this is Mattie's fault and she thinks you hate her."

Mac's eyes came up to meet his and almost instantly they filled with tears. "I don't hate her, I could never… God, does she really think that?" At his nod, she sighed deeply and it clicked in that the miscarriage hadn't just hurt her, it was a pain shared by all of them. "I'm sorry, Harm… I kinda forgot that you two were hurting too… I love Mattie like she was my own."

His arms came around her in a fierce hug and he pulled Mac into his lap. "I love you, Sarah."

"I love you, too." But, it would take Mac some time to be intimate with him again.


	3. Year 2

YEAR 2

"I was thinking, we should elope." Harm had suggested out of the blue on the drive to Coronado. They had been engaged for nearly two years and wedding plans that had been discussed prior to Mac's pregnancy had ground to a halt. It was understandable, he knew but, things felt like they were back to normal again and Harm figured it was time to broach the subject.

"Your mother would kill us.. So would Bud and Harriet.. Coates…"

"Oh, she would definitely kill you. Jen has bridesmaid dresses picked out and even has two caterers on stand by." Mattie said from the back seat. Her rehabilitation had been going so well that she was almost able to walk without assistance. It had been a long time coming and soon, she would free herself completely from her wheelchair and live a normal life.

The girl had aspirations to be a pilot like her adoptive father and a Marine like her adoptive mother. Harm had joked that Mac had turned her against the Navy but, Mattie looked up to the older woman and figured she could take a little bit from both of them. Which is why they were traveling to the base for Fleet Week. It would be the first time that Mattie would step foot on a carrier and decide if the military was indeed in her cards.

It was when they stepped foot on the ship that Mac saw something in his eyes, a longing in them that she was too familiar with. But, there was something more and it concerned her. She'd seen his expression before when his emotions during certain situations had gotten the best of him. It was the same look in his eyes when Harm had silently dealt with his obsessions: Diane, flying, Russia, Darlynn, Sergie.

For some stupid reason she thought those days were over for him. He had grown up, lost that Peter Pan syndrome only it dawned on her that he had picked up a new obsession - Mattie who was needing less and less of him.

"You miss it."

Harm nodded sadly. "How would you feel if I went back?"

"To a carrier?"

"Mattie's doing great. Soon she won't need me at all." He tried to justify his thoughts, that itch he couldn't ever seem to scratch. Harm had grown up some but, the jetfuel lived in his veins even though he was still getting his share of flight time as a reservist. "Admiral Boone contacted me...Apparently the young guns aren't as adept in air-to-air combat as the old guard… I may be called up to get back in the fight."

What had bothered Mac was the specific time and place he had chosen to tell her. This was a discussion to be had as a couple at home not on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier. She figured he hoped she wouldn't make a scene. "You've made up your mind, haven't you?"

"No." He lied, the only thing left was to submit the necessary paperwork that he'd already signed. They Navy needed him and he owed it to duty and country to answer the call. It was what he was born to do and Harm knew that Mac would understand. Though they had mended their relationship after losing the baby, he figured a little time apart would do them some good as well. Didn't absence make the heart grow fonder or some nonsense like that?

"Do what you have to do." Mac said, her voice hiding the pain she felt in her heart and the pieces that began to break at the thought of him leaving. Hadn't he chosen that stupid coin toss? Hadn't he agreed that, no matter the outcome, they would be together? Stay together? "You'll get no argument from me."

"You won't stop me?" He had expected her to. In fact, he had mentally prepared a long, impassioned argument as to why this needed to happen and how it wouldn't hurt their relationship.

"You would resent me and I don't want that."

"Well, as my wife I would say you have an opinion in the matter."

"We aren't married." Mac pointed out sadly.

"Mac, just say the word and we'll head downtown and…"

"No justice of the peace, no eloping. What would a marriage solve if you're leaving?" And she didn't want her marriage to him to feel like some shotgun ceremony. Mac had already walked that plank with Chris Ragel and didn't need a repeat. She also didn't want or need anything huge or ostentatious but, something small, intimate with their close friends. Maybe on the beach? Hadn't they discussed a beach wedding at one point? Her only requirement was that he wear his dress whites.

"For one it can make sure I stay stationed here.

Look, let's set a date… When I do deploy it won't be for a few months. We can plan it out. Unless you don't want to be Mrs. Harmon Rabb Jr." He gave her his best flyboy grin.

Mac returned the smile and managed to hide her sad expression. When he deployed not If. He had made up his mind without her - he was leaving her and Mac couldn't fault him. She wasn't the woman he had met years prior that he knew little of. He knew her mistakes, lived through most of them with her. She was flawed, infertile and a man like Harm needed a complete woman not one that hid behind Marine greens.

In retrospect, Mac should have known that sea duty would take him away from her completely but, she hadn't really paid attention to the signs. As the months closed in on his deployment, Harm kept telling her that everything was alright and she tried believed him.


	4. Year 3

YEAR 3

Harm's first deployment had been brutal for both of them. After being inseparable for two years it was hard for Mac to return from work and not find him home. He had become such a big part of her life and she missed him terribly. They also hadn't married.

Before his deployment came countless hours on base in preparation. Something big was brewing and the Navy needed to make sure its aging pilots still had the required skills.

They had set a date but, plans had stalled and Harm promised to put a wedding band on her finger when he returned.

For Mac, Although she loved being a JAG she found her position as commanding officer to be a bit of a nightmare. Her staff was wonderful, all worked hard to keep the office like a well oiled machine but, it was the bureaucracy, the constant political push and pull that had begun to wear her thin. The long hours didn't help and she found herself relying on Coates more and more to help keep what was left of her sanity.

Mattie had been accepted to the Academy and soon enough Mac would be living alone in a house that was too big and frankly, too expensive to keep up. There were issues with the plumbing and electricity, the dry rot in the front porch, things that Harm promised he would fix but, never quite got around to before deploying. Yes, the house had some charm but, Mac found it too large, too impersonal and too lonely.

With Harm gone, she often slept in the living room as too many times she would wake up in the middle of the night to find his side of the bed empty. It was a source of depression and one that had changed her mood greatly. She was accustomed to being alone before him, why did it bother her so much now?

And then there was Grace's room, one that Harm had taken the time to decorate with such painstaking detail once she'd made it past her 1st trimester. The walls were a soft pink with little white polka dots all around. Her name was spelled out over the crib in large white, wooden letters. The mobile filled with stuffed airplanes still hung over the crib. She couldn't bare put away anything because Mac didn't want to forget the little girl that almost came into their lives.

She often wondered if that was why he went to a carrier because he didn't want to be with a woman that couldn't have his child. Harm's words told her differently but, Mac couldn't shake the feeling or the tears. She knew he loved her but, sometimes that just wasn't enough.

It really didn't help that hid ship had been sent on a special assignment that left them without communication for quite some time. Harm had tried to contact her beforehand as he could sense that something was wrong with her but, it was impossible.

Thankfully, he had some liberty coming, a few days when the ship would dock in Japan. Excitedly, he had called her hoping to fly her out to meet him. "We can spend some much needed alone time together."

The idea pleased Mac greatly, it would ease some of the sadness she felt and likely rekindle their romance. "Just tell me when. I'll clear my schedule."

"Mac, what's wrong?" He heard something in her voice, a timbre that affirmed his belief that something was amiss.

Mac sighed. "Work. I hate to say it but, I am beginning to hate this job. Maybe we should have headed to London instead? If we had maybe Grace..."

"Mac, don't." But, he had thought the same thing. Maybe if she hadn't been working such a high stress job? Maybe if she would have stayed at home they could have been celebrating their daughter's birthday. "It wasn't your fault." He could hear her crying on the other line and desperately wanted to hold and comfort her.

At the same time, Harm also didn't need to worry about Mac's mental state at the moment. They were an hour away from resuming flight ops and he needed his head in the game not on Mac. The thought made him feel like a heel but, it was the truth. He was never an emotional pilot which is why he was one of the best - for his ability to dissociate flying from his personal life. "What did you say?" Her voice broke through his thoughts.

"Rumor has it the Navy may get rid of Joint Legal Services Southwest. Can't say I find the news unappealing."

"Why?"

"No one knows for sure. Cresswell thinks it's political. Not sure where it would leave me." Not that she minded returning back to Washington but, that would put more strain on their relationship. Harm was stationed in San Diego which allowed him to return home after deployment.

"It'll be fine, Marine… It always works out." And the sound of his voice made her believe that it would. "How much longer 'til I'm home?"

"Four months, six days, nineteen hours and sixteen seconds." She heard him chuckle, her timing thing always amused Harm and she was sure it always would. "I love you, squid."

"Love you, Marine."

Mac was never able to make it to Japan, conflicts in her command combined with political unrest had forced her to stay behind. It had upset her greatly but, she managed to keep things on an even keel until he returned home. The homecoming was sweet and they had spent the better part of two days in bed, playing catch up. It almost felt like their first time and Harm was sure he fell for her a little more then.

Some months later, Harm stood at the rear of the banquet hall wearing his dress whites and gold wings, he had been hit on by exactly six women since Mac had walked off to rub elbows with most of the Washington bigwigs. She had looked ravishing in a long, dark green gown with a slit that came up the side. His heart swelled with pride seeing that commanding presence that was honed and perfected.

Looking at his watch, he frowned, realizing the had limited time with her until he had to deploy again. Twelve hours to be exact and it was dwindling down the longer they remained at the ball. "It's time to get out of here." He whispered in her ear and he stepped in on some conversation.

Reluctantly Mac had left and although she enjoyed the time she spent in his arms, something was bothering her. "You didn't like being there, did you?"

"No. It's not my scene anymore, I'm an outsider." He admitted, sitting up in bed and bringing the covers over them. It had felt awkward, out of place although the various balls they had attended through the years had always been a source of fun and amusement as a JAG. The lines blurred a little now as a jet jock. "I went for you, not because I wanted to."

His comment upset Mac who also sat up in bed. "You could have said something, Harm."

"And you still would have gone."

"I had to, it was work but, I wouldn't have stayed so long if you were uncomfortable. I could have gone alone."

Harm snorted at her comment. "Yeah, and have every man within ten paces falling at your feet." He hated the way men looked at her as if she were some peice of meat, the long glances and the soft whispers against her ear. And she had laughed with some of them while all he wanted to do was knock each and everyone out. "That used to be me, the one that everyone wanted to talk to. The one with the answers."

"Do you resent me for that?" His silence was the answer that Mac didn't want to hear. "The coin flip was your idea and we agreed, you agreed to concede even when I told you to flip on it again or figure something else out. If you didn't want to follow me here why did you?"

"Because it was the only way to have you!" He spat out angrily. "I tell you that I love you and I know you don't believe me. I had to make this grand sacrifice for you, again… To prove myself... Everything with us is always so damned complicated."

His words stung and Mac felt much like a scorned lover than a fiance. What hurt the most was that Harm had a point. She had forced his hand that night, made him propose only she never thought their lives would be decided so recklessly. "I just want you to love me, it doesn't have to be more complicated than that."

"Damnit, Mac, I do. Loving you isn't complicated but, everything else is...I love being at sea but, I miss you and spend too much time wondering what I am missing when I'm away… If.." He took a breath and held it not wanting to disclose to her his insecurities. It was too common in the military to find that your spouse moved on.

Harm doubted Mac would ever do that to him but, it was a seed of doubt that was planted by his wingman.

Somehow, she knew exactly where he was going. "I'm not leaving you for someone else… ever."

"You aren't happy, Mac."

"I'm happy with you. This distance it's part of the life we chose when we joined the service. I'm dealing with it and will continue to do so. You leave but, you come back to me."

She was right, he knew but, there was still a weight in his heart that he couldn't shake. "Promise me that you'll tell me if this gets to be too much."

"I will." It was already straining the distance but, she wouldn't pull him away from something he loved so much.


	5. Year 4

YEAR 4

"We need to, Mac. I know it hurts you, it hurts me too but, we have to put her things away. It's been too long." One morning, while Mac was sleeping Harm had stepped into what would have been Grace's room. Before deployment she had promised that the baby's things would be donated and she would hire painters to remove the pale pink off the walls.

He hadn't expected to find it all still there like a memorial of sorts. Harm hadn't expected to feel so much either, a stifling pain that reminded him of the promise he couldn't keep. He loved their unborn daughter dearly but, he had grieved and moved on, choosing not to dwell on something that would never be. Stepping into the room brought back the pain, the memories and it was something that neither of them needed.

So, he'd begun putting away the clothing, the toys and placing them into boxes that he found in the closet, stopping when he found a pink, stuffed airplane. It had been a toy he'd found out of the blue, something he just had to buy for his daughter. Mac playfully chastised him for corrupting their daughter. She was so radiant then, so beautiful and Harm was sure he couldn't love her more than he did then.

Angrily, he wiped away the tears that fell as he placed the plane in a box with Grace's other items. That is when Mac found him.

"You can't do that!" She had taken the plane out of the box and placed it back in the crib where it had been since the moment Harm brought it home. "It was hers!"

"Mac… She's gone."

"And you blame me for it, I know you do. I saw it in your eyes back then."

"I could never blame you. It wasn't your fault. We should have tried sooner, I shouldn't have been so stupid." He tried to pull her to him, to wrap her in his arms and erase he anguish but, she had stepped away before he had a chance.

"Mac? Where are you going?"

She had grabbed her car keys and drove off without another word. When she returned hours later, Harm had picked up the entire room, something that forced the worst argument they ever had.

Mac cried in his arms, beat his chest from the hurt and anguish that she could never quite shake. "You need to get help. We both do." And they did by contacting Harriet who helped her find a grief counsellor.

When he deployed again Mac found herself doing better only hating her job more and more. An investigation in LA brought a new friend to her life, Henrietta 'Hetty' Lange, the operations manager for NCIS' office of Special Projects.

The two women butted heads at first and then found a wonderful friendship. It was Hetty that had offered Harm a job with OSP as a way to help the couple stay closer - a job that he had politely rejected.

Although he and Gibbs had mended fences, Harm still held a steely disdain for NCIS and always would.

"Mac, I need to make this quick, I have a briefing in 30." He had called her upon opening an email asking him to do so.

"Hello to you too."

"Right, sorry. Hello." He quickly changed tack and smiled as he imagined the look in her eyes. "How are you?"

"I was offered a job as a liaison for State." She said quickly although Mac wanted to tell him in person. This would be one hell of a career move although it was a terminal position. The pay was outstanding and she would be doing good work for the Corps not babysitting lawyers. "It's not a done deal yet. State wants me to fly to Washington, see if it's something I want to do."

He knew she was unhappy with her current billet but, was holding on for her career. The sudden change was startling. "You're on fast track to become the first female JAG, why ruin that?"

Mac sighed, after the last few years she realized a command at JAG was not for her. She was never in court, never on investigations and she direly needed that adrenaline rush. "It's the chance of a lifetime to really do some good for the Corps and not just shuffle papers."

Harm remained silent for a moment. Most government jobs required a transfer to Washington which meant they would see each other even less. "Did you accept? Yeah, of course you did."

"I didn't have the time to sit on it." At his silence, Mac felt her heart sink. Shouldn't he be proud of her as she was of him? He had made great strides on a carrier and rumor had it Harm would make CAG shortly. "Aren't you happy for me?"

"I am...It's just not going to help things between us." He pointed out needlessly. Harm was sure Mac had thought of the ramifications, detailed them with precision. She didn't make knee jerk reactions like he did when it came to her career. She had a path and had stuck to it unwavering.

Mac sighed, "Don't you think I've thought about it? I have, more than I should have. I've weighed the pros and cons. The bottom line is that I'm not happy at JLSS." She was willing to make sacrifices for him, to stick it out but, at what cost? It was clear Harm was enjoying his billet, shouldn't she as well? "If you don't want me to take the job, I won't."

Harm thought about it quickly knowing she would tough it out if he asked. But, he couldn't do that and live with her resenting him. "Mac, I can't do that…. You deserve to enjoy what you do."

"It means me going to Washington for a bit, maybe permanently."

"We'll work it out, we always do." He said although he knew how difficult it would he to switch squadrons. "I have to go, Mac… I love you."

"I love you, too… When are you coming home?" The line went dead before he heard her question.


	6. Year 5

YEAR 5

"Mr. and Mrs. Rabb?" Hank was sitting at their kitchen table, handing over the necessary paperwork to sell the house in San Diego. He was a friend of Trish's and made sure the pair got a fair amount for the house.

"Ms. MacKenzie." Mac corrected as she stared down at the documentation and placed her signature on the required line next to Harm's.

Hank nodded and offered a terse smile. "Ms. MacKenzie, of course. Well, that takes care of that, I'll have the check in the mail within the week. It was a pleasure."

"Thank you, Hank." Harm spoke up, shaking the man's hand and then turned to find Mac walking around the house. The place was devoid of any furniture, hers was sent back to her apartment in Georgetown and his was placed in storage. Many other items were sold or donated leaving the house absolutely empty except for the kitchen table, a breakfast nook that was attached to the wall.

Mac's heels clicked on the hardwood floor and she looked every bit an attache in her suit. Her job as Marine liasson offered her the chance to get out of uniform from time to time and it was something she found she enjoyed. Slowly, she circled her way around coming back to the kitchen to find Harm sitting with a sullen expression. The emptiness of the house matched an emptiness she felt inside of a dream that had been cut too short.

She loved him but, they just weren't meant to be together. The realization hit two months earlier when she had flown back from Washington to find him attempting to deal with the dry rotted front porch on his own. He was sitting on the steps bleeding from one hand where a piece of wood had cut him. Harm had an expression she wasn't familiar with and when she took a seat next to him, she finally understood, it was regret.

A sense of desperation, of not failing yet another relationship gnawed at Mac but, the writing had been on the wall. In the last two years they had barely seen each other and although they had some conversations by phone and email, those too had begun to lessen. She was always busy, always on call and having to solve some problem or another. With issues brewing in the Middle East, Harm had been at sea for longer and longer deployments. The few times he was home, he was too tired and too irritated. They bickered constantly about inconsequential things.

Maybe if they fought long and hard they could have fixed things? Maybe if they actually talked they would have understood but, talking was not a part of their relationship - they had never mastered it.

"We had some good times here, right?" She said softly.

"Some of the best moments of my life I had here… with you." He glanced up and held her gaze. The same love and desire was there, likely to never dwindle. That's what hurt the most, they never stopped loving each other.

Mac settled into the chair she was formerly occupying. Yes, they had some good times. She recalled him making pizza on the kitchen island and how he taught her to make the perfect pizza sauce with real tomatoes. There was the day that they had come home, soaked to the bone from a sudden downpour. He had kissed her the moment they stepped inside the house and had somehow wound up making love on the kitchen table. It was one of those crazy, intense moments that their relationship was made of.

There was the first Christmas for their family and a tree that was too big to fit in the living room and had scared the ceiling. A tree Harm had stubbornly bought although she had warned him it was too tall. Mac remembered Mattie's first steps in that kitchen and the elation at knowing she would have a full life, that the girl's dreams of being an aviator were possible. She remembered the flowers he would buy every Saturday and place on the kitchen table where they sat now.

"How did we get to this point?" He asked although Harm knew the answer. A coin toss was not a way for two stubborn people to work out their relationship that was on shaky ground to begin with. It had been crazy, spontaneous and neither really thought of the ramifications and the sacrifices. Perhaps Mac had been right? They each wanted to be on top and that was an impossibility.

"I don't know."

"Did I… satisfy you?" Harm asked suddenly, studying her eyes for an answer. She seemed to enjoy being intimate with him. She seemed to enjoy him as much as he enjoyed her. Maybe he stopped pleasing her?

Mac grinned at his implication. "Our problem wasn't sex, Harm...That was one part of our relationship that was always good."

"We when we had it…" At first they couldn't keep their hands off each other and although it was typical for couples to power down some, after her miscarriage things had changed.

"I wanted you but, it was difficult for me after Grace."

"I know." Harm placed a hand over hers and squeezed gently. "A girl like you is hard to find, you know?"

Mac scoffed. "Flawed, you mean? You could do better."

"I didn't see you that way." He swallowed down the lump at his throat and prayed the stinging in his eyes would cease.

"Do you regret it?"

That was a question he had asked himself time and time again. He regretted several decisions but, he would never regret being with her. "No. But, maybe a coin toss was not the best way to figure out the rest of our lives." His thumb ran over the engagement ring on her finger and another pang of regret hit him square in the chest.

They were supposed to marry. Hadn't that been the point of that stupid coin toss - for one of them to resign their commission so that they could marry? It dawned on him that they had never set a date or made any sort of real plans. Christ, they were doomed from the start.

Mac slipped her hand out of his and pulled at the ring. She set it on the middle of the kitchen table and sat back. "You should give that back to your mom, she would want it."

Only she wouldn't, Trish had already told him to keep the ring or sell it once she was notified that the pair had split. It had been given her to her by Harm's father in love and faith and devotion. She didn't want it back knowing they had broken the engagement off. "No, Mac. It's yours. No other woman is worthy enough to have it, believe me." And he vowed never to go down this road again and believe in a love like his parents once had. That kind of love and devotion that his parents had was not meant to be his.

"I have to go.. My flight's in an hour." It was not leaving until the following day but, Mac couldn't bare to be alone with him any longer. She could feel her heart breaking into a million pieces just being in his presence. "I'm sorry, Harm… I just… I'm so damned sorry."

He stood suddenly and pulled her into his arms holding her tightly to him like if she were his lifeline. "If you need me, for anything, I'll be there. Even if I am halfway across the World."

Mac swallowed down the lump in her throat and willed herself not to cry. If only he knew that she had been crying moments before she reached the house. Or how she had cried in the lavatory on the plane ride over. Mac just couldn't cry in front of him anymore. "I'm always going to love you. You need to know that... I need you to know that." Her voice sounded desperate. "Please stay safe."

"I'll be alright. Take care of yourself, Marine." When they broke apart Harm wanted nothing more than to kiss her, to fix them but, she was gone before he had a chance….

They would never see each other again.


End file.
